Look Up

Life isn't always same. Sometime we are happy and sometimes we are not. But it is not so easy to accept it and be optimistic in the hard time. But once we realize that life goes both upwards and downwards, we will be able to face any challenges and we can stay strong to bring happiness in our life through hard work and persistence.
I did not have this optimistic mind until a few months ago. I was so f***ed up to say the least. As you may know (if you have read my other blogs) that I dropped out of college on final year and I was too ashamed to go back to home. So I moved in with my friends in Chennai, trying to start a new life. Things weren't as simple as I thought it would be. I got into so much trouble; more than I could handle. I was in huge debt of five lakh rupees due to education loan, I haven't completed the degree, I don't have a job, I am too ashamed to meet my parents who probably hate me, My girlfriend dumped me for being a moronic loser, my neighbours consider me as a filth. I do not want to bore you with details, but it would be a lie if I say that I never wanted to kill myself. My daily routine went like this. I wake up at 11 or half past 11, buy the cheapest Rum available in TASMAC, drink, watch TV, wander on the road, sleep. I didn't know why I am alive anymore.

Worried about me, my friend and then roommate took me to his home town on his vacation hoping that it might help me to take my mind off the things. I actually wanted to stay back and drink, but he insisted. I went there, days went by. I didn't drink (much) and it was the worst in the whole world - to stay sober. But my daily routine changed slowly. I started to wake up early and I worked in the farm. I was really helpful to take mind off things. I tried to keep myself occupied in one or other work. The work was so tiring to body since it required much physical work, but it was so refreshing to my mind. But whenever I go to bed, those thoughts of my life getting wasted haunted me. Will I ever be able to face my parents, will my girl friend ever forgive me, will I be able to replay my education loan, will I complete my college degree, will I ever get a job, will these people ever stop looking at me like I am a filth. But a hard days work is very good in giving us a good sleep, so somehow I slipped into sleep most of nights.
Just two days more for me to be here. Once my friend's vacation is over I will be in the same place where I was last month. It was a beautiful morning as some would say. I was crossing a highway to bath in a well and I heard a mild wailing. It was a skinny dog drenched on its own blood. The poor bitch must've been hit by a speeding truck or maybe a car. It is the most horrifying scene I 've ever saw. It lost its hind legs and its chance of survival was almost zero. But it wasn't ready to give up.
It tried to move to the end will all its might and its rear was losing blood so badly. It tried to make more noise, but that poor little thing couldn't even move. I wanted to kill it. I didn't knew what it was trying to do or where it was trying to go, but I couldn't stand its pain. But I soon realized that it is trying to go near its puppies. Those poor little things didn't knew what has happened. They were so cute and small and looked like they were born just the previous night. That explained the dog's skinny look and its persistence to cross the road. The poor dog died in few minutes and I felt so helpless and desperate. I couldn't do anything.
I took a shovel and buried the dog and took puppies to my friend's farmhouse nearby. They were happy to have them as pets.
That was one of the saddest moments of my life, but it taught me something. It made me to be optimistic about things. It may not seem optimistic, but if you know how I was before, then you 'd agree that I am far more optimistic that how I was before. That dog knew that it won't survive, but it was trying to see if its puppies were okay with all its might. Till the moment it died it didn't give up trying. It might not have succeeded in reaching near its puppies. But it succeeded in its ultimate goal. Now its puppies are in safe hands.
My situation is not even close to that dog. Mine is far better. I am still alive. I can make things right or at least I can try to make things right. So I decided to try. I tried and I am trying and I will try.
I am still in debt to my bank, I haven't completed the degree yet, my girlfriend is now my ex-girlfriend and she still hate me. But I have a job that pays me enough to pay for my rent and food; people around me don't hate me very much. Above all, my parents forgave me and they are being very supportive.
I think I can say that I've tried enough to say that I am optimistic. For me, being optimistic doesn't mean being cheerful about everything. I am the least cheerful person I know. Being optimistic to me is being hopeful about the future. I maynot be confident about the future, but I am hopeful about it.



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