I completely agree that all changes, have their melancholy. But change gives us a chance to be the the best we can possibly be. Sometimes change involves us leaving behind something that we love. Even if you are changing to leave your past behind, change might be challenging. But we have to change; we have to move forward in life and most times, it requires a change in one way or another.
I had to change once. Well, I have changed myself in many aspects several times, but that time, it was so hard for me. I had to move away from what I loved. I had to move way from whom I thought I will spend rest of my life with. I had to change my life. And today, I will let you walk in my shoes.
When we join a college, we join with hope. We may have many reasons for joining a college, and we join with optimism that everything will workout good. Some of us join a college with hope to become a physician or surgeon and to serve people, and some to earn plenty money. Some go to college to become a physicist or mathematician to better understand Universe. Some may choose to become an engineer because it might be their passion or may be just because everyone else is. There are even folks who just want to graduate college so that it can be printed on their marriage invitation (This reason was told by a student herself.) I joined a college filled with hope and enthusiasm just like everyone else. But the events happened after that changed my life completely. If everything turns out the way expect it to, then life will be such a boring thing. Luckily mine is interesting.
But my life turned out way more interesting than most of ours normally is and sometimes that could be a problem. When I joined, back in 2008, my college had this age old tradition of ragging. That doesn't just involve bullying the juniors; it goes way beyond that. There are quite a few anti-ragging laws, but their effectiveness is questionable. I would say its effectiveness is somewhere between ban for the sale of tobacco products near educational institutions and The Prevention of Corruption Act, 1988. Since I was in hostel, ragging was a bit intense and weird. The worst part of it is that some people believe ragging is good and it builds friendship. It may build friendship, but that good enough. As a part of my ragging, I was required to smoke mari***na. I have never smoked even a cigarette before in my life. I tried to resist, but I was forced to smoke it. Eventually I got addicted. I am not gonna tell you how it felt, but you are gonna hate the world once you are sober. I gotta agree that ragging makes you get close with the seniors, but it is not for good, at least in my case. So when I entered second year, I became friends with the people who helped me learn smoking p*t and helped me in becoming a drunkard (which I regret). I hanged out with them a lot and soon I became a hooligan. I am not blaming anyone for that. If anyone were to be blamed, that would be myself. I actually liked being a ruffian. But I was completely against ragging. I made sure that none of our juniors were forced into anything that they didn't want to do. I tried to stop the practice of ragging, but I wasn't really successful, but the intensity of it reduced a lot.
Somewhere deep inside me, I knew that smoking (mari***na) and too much of drinking is bad, but I couldn't help it. As you might have predicted, I was so fu*ked up in studies. But I am not completely bad and wasted. I had few good friends whose advice I took as a big deal and I tried to bring many good changes in the college. By the time I went to third year, the ragging was almost like something that everyone would enjoy. The tasks that they asked to do were just to propose to a girl/boy passing by or to take an ant out for a walk and bring it back alive. Me and my friends made sure that ragging is now nothing more than just a simple prank.
Let me stop here and explain something to you. Please do not imagine me like a guy whom you see in the South Indian movies in which the protagonist is a rowdy and a hot girl has interest in him and he has a comedian friend; in the second half, he becomes a good guy because for his GF and then he will fight the bad guys. I am just the opposite. I was a good guy who turned bad. I do not have a comedian friend. I hate jokes made at others expense. My friends made jokes on me, but I was cool with it. I am not a handsome man. I am dark skinned guy with messed up hair. I always looked dull and sleepy in class because I spent nights roaming around, drinking and smoking. If someone make a movie, I might be the antagonist. There was no girl who was love with me or that was the case until I entered third year of my college. I don't know how the hell that happened, but she was interested in me. I do not have any reasonable explanation for that; maybe she was crazy. At first I was a bit confused and worried. I wouldn't want my sister to be in love with a guy like me, but you probably know how these things are. Maybe those girls were on look out for the guys with trouble. Soon I was in love or whatever you call it.
So far I had never involved in a fight that involves things like love or anything similar and I liked it to be that way. But my then girlfriend asked me to help a friend of her. Her friend, Akila, is from another college in the Dindigul. She was "love tortured" (whatever that means) by a guy named Vikram. She was in love with another guy and that guy didn't have balls to talk about this to Vikram, who happened to be a big rowdy in the college (or even in the entire Dindigul). I had never involved in any matter that is outside of our college. So I was a bit afraid to have a fight with Vikram, so I lied to Vikram that Akila is secretly married to that other guy. He wasn't ready to believe it, so I showed him a copy of marriage certificate (which was made using GIMP) which he believed. After that Vikram and I became good friends. In few months, Akila completed her course and went to her hometown, so I never told him the truth about her. :(
Months passed by. My girlfriend and I were having problems and we decided to break up. Soon I became friend with Preethi, Vikram's sister. Before we realized, we were in love. I am so amazed by the way this thing called love works. Preethi was very short tempered and rude. She never laughed or smiled. I felt like she was the most arrogant woman ever born in this planet. I never thought I would be in love with her. But I was is love with her!? She is arrogant, but she is very responsible. She never smiled, but she always wished well for everyone. She was a lady narcissus, but a rational woman. I felt in my heart that she is woman I am gonna the spend rest of my life with. She felt the same way; she said so. But there was a problem. Vikram never tried to understand us. He was very unreasonable and he says that a friend should never love a friend's sister. That might be sensible for some, but I couldn't understand that logic a bit. I was in love with her and I would be in love with her even if she wasn't his sister. In fact, she being his sister had nothing to do with our love. We tried explaining it to him, but he never listened. He was so determined not to listen to anything that we had to say. Preethi loves being in trouble, but she didn't want me to have any trouble and especially she didn't want me to be in trouble with anyone in her family. I wasn't in agreement with her. In the meanwhile Vikram was planning "to teach me a lesson." He and bunch of his friends decided to hang me upside down in a well. It was around 10 pm on that day. They tied few bamboos together, tied me by my leg to it, moved bamboo and placed it across the well in such a way that I was hanging upside down in the well. But they hadn't tied the bamboos together firmly, so it loosened got separated. I fell inside the well with my feet tied to the bamboo. They were just nearby drinking, so they must have heard the splash. I couldn't see anything, but I heard indistinct chatter outside and they were so freaked out. I somehow managed to swim near a wall and I got hold of a tree that as growing on the inner wall of the well. Somehow I managed to untie the rope holding my leg together with that bamboo. Vikram was screaming on top of his voice and he was asking if I was OK. But I was so mad, I didn't reply. There isn't a day that has passed so for without me regretting that. Since he didn't hear my reply, he jumped inside the well. He must've been so drunk, otherwise, he wouldn't have drowned himself. He was a good swimmer. I didn't know swimming properly, but I tried looking for him, but I couldn't. It was so dark that we couldn't see anything. It was only the next morning, we found his body. A life wouldn't be lost if I wasn't so stupid that moment. I didn't think that he would jump inside to save me. Even if he did, he was a good swimmer. Moreover, I thought he wanted me dead. But if I had known better, his parents wouldn't have lost their son. Preethi wouldn't have lost her brother. I am sorry.
I am so sorry. Sometimes I get carried away. I actually sat down today to talk about change. I wanted to talk about how I started a new life after all that. I wanted to say how positive a change is. But I got carried away. Moreover, I never shared this to anyone, except Preethi and my close friends. I told everyone that I was drinking with Vikram and I fell inside and then he jumped inside to save me. May he rest in peace.
It had a big impact on me. They said it was PTSD (not an STD). I became claustrophobic. Seventh semester had just started, but I didn't attend any classes. All I ever did was to stay inside room. But sometimes that scared the sh*t out of me. So I just wandered helplessly on road. My shrink (he is cool with me calling him that) suggested that I should move in with my parents in my hometown. But that was just impossible for me. I was in seventh semester of my college. I can't drop out now. My university doesn't allow changing colleges after completing first year. Most importantly, I was too afraid to move. I afraid to take a single step. Preethi knew what happened that night and she tried to comfort me that it wasn't completely my fault. But she wasn't talking to me like before. I was so confused. But my parents convinced me and made me move in with them, but all I did in my hometown was drug abuse. I wanted to change. I wanted to leave all the past behind me and I wanted to move on. But I was afraid of everything. I was paranoid. Mukul, my close friend, moved to Chennai after completing the college. He took me to Chennai along with him. That was the first significant change that I did to leave my past behind. I slowly recovered. I started going outside my room. The most important thing I ever did was to attend a job interview. That was one of the worst nightmares. The interviewer kept asking me the same fucking question "Why I dropped out of college?" I walked out during the interview, but I was actually happy. I actually attended an interview. If you had any idea how I was before, you will agree that it was a great achievement. I managed to get a job somehow that help me meet my food and house rent expenses. My life may not be as great as what I hoped it would be. I screwed it up a big time. But I am changing. I am hopeful that someday, I will be the best that I can possibly be.
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I've always wanted to share this with the world. Thanks to housing.com ( +Housing.com ) for giving me one more reason to write about it.
#StartANewLife
I have changed the names of the characters for obvious reasons.
Really? Is this a true story?
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